calling for my soul at the corners of the world

The past couple weeks have been terrible. I wanted to find the perfect pose, perfect location, perfect shot for a blog photo to help convey my grief, but I weary of holding off on blogging in hopes of achieving perfection. Nothing is perfect about this situation and I do not have to come here armed with perfect images and perfect words to describe loss.

Miscarriage is something I have always feared, but my every attempt to prepare myself for the possibility of loss was inadequate—nothing prepared me for the pain and horror of it. I was so afraid before the symptoms even crept in, and then I desperately hoped something else was at work, and then sometime after one o’clock in the morning on Saturday the 23rd, I received undeniable proof that Something Was Very Wrong.

What energy I’ve had has been devoted mainly to surviving the physical portion of this horror show. We get to deal with medical bills next (and for however long it takes to pay them off), which should be less than the cost of full prenatal care and labor/delivery would have been (but without the great take-home prize). Meanwhile, grief’s settling in for a long, long stay.

I’m not okay. I’m surviving, but I’m not okay. I’ve been struggling with my depression and anxiety more since discontinuing treatment in 2008 than I tend to admit except to closest friends, and this loss is too big for me to handle on my own. Maladaptive coping mechanisms will not do. As much as I hate the process, as much as I hate medication, these things may be necessary for me to regain enough functionality to actually live my life. I’m too easily waylaid by stress as-is and this miscarriage is enough to push me to an edge from which I’d rather not fall.

I don’t know how much I’ll be blogging in the days or weeks to come. Perhaps I will find dressing up, taking snapshots and blogging to be a comforting distraction at times, or perhaps I will find myself too often without the drive and focus to do even this. I cannot know at this point. I shall just have to figure things out as I go.

The moody “casting my heart to the sea” shot doesn’t really show the outfit off, so here’s another angle (same location, beneath Evie’s Closet at Oubliette); credits follow.

Skin: Dutch Touch (MaUve – Cotton – Natural)
Hair: Celestial Studios (Annie May Hair III – Cocoa)
Eyes: Schadenfreude (Geoflake Eyes – Crowflake)
Lashes: Miriel (Lashes – Natural)
Ears & Earrings: Schadenfreude (Fey Ears w/ Ankhs & Plugs; Electro-cute Plugs HUD) *Stumblebum Brigade exclusive, Week 4**
Hat: Wretched Dollies (Lady Hollow Hat Veil)
Necklace: Illusions (Orinthia Necklace)
Jacket: silent sparrow (Kurai Short Jacket – ash)
Corset: silent sparrow (Gutter Glitter waist cincher – gloom)
Shirt: Scribble (Spotty Bum)
Skirt: silent sparrow (Gloomy Kilt – soot)
Stockings: silent sparrow (maida stockings – ash)
Boots: Illusions (Miriel Granny Boots)
Pose: Lazy Places ([LP] Just Illusion) *review copy*
Location: Oubliette

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One Response to calling for my soul at the corners of the world

  1. Emerald Wynn says:

    We can never find appropriate words in situations like these.

    I’ve never experienced what you are going through, but I can only imagine how much it hurts. I am so sorry.

    I will pray for your strength, your spirit and your heart.
    Em

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